Family

It's not a new concept that keeping a healthy relationship with siblings can be challenging over the years, especially a long distance relationship. I have left my home town when I was 23, lived in Montreal where I studied for a year, and settled in Toronto when I was 24. So it's been 23 years since I moved here.

Over the years there has been phases which I suspect are the normal course of a long distance relationship - like going back home as often as possible for the first couple of years, then expecting that everyone will eventually be visiting me in Toronto - which may not happen with a family of 7... two of my brothers have never been to my house, although they do come to Toronto for business from time to time. That was difficult to accept, and impossible to understand. Generally I was very positive though, keeping contact and enjoying every minute when I could spend time with my siblings. We can have a lot of fun together.

Things started to change when I had my own children. Because my siblings all had their kids quite a few years earlier, there was a big gap in age. Visiting with young children became difficult because it seemed like nobody remembered what it's like to have a baby and a 3 year old sleeping upstairs... and I ended-up spending many evenings in the bedroom, trying to put my kids back to sleep. And at a certain point I decided to spend Christmas at home, and to skip the cottage stay in the summer. At least until my kids would be a bit older, so that they could partake in the family gatherings and remember them.

Then about 3 years later we started to go to the cottage again. We still stay home for Christmas though, partly because it's not the best time to drive to Quebec City (snow...), it ends up being a very expensive trip, and partly because it's not the best time to visit since we spend a lot of time indoors, and it's not the most relaxing time of the year...

So with fewer visits, the catch is that each visit is charged with all sorts of emotional expectations and anticipation. I must say that in light of the past few years, it has become very difficult for me to enjoy my visits. I try to juggle with time and make sure that we can see everyone, but of course not everyone understand the intensity of it for me. There is also a bit a of language barrier and Tim is great at adapting to these French immersions. His French is pretty good, but of course it's demanding to process so much communication and I feel his need to withdraw for a mental rest sometimes.

At this point I would hope that my kids get to know their cousins, uncles and aunts, but it's not possible to do that with a couple of shared meals once a year. There was also some tension with the cottage in the past couple of years, not a new concept either... and so now even our once a year visit is tainted with some degree of misunderstanding and unspoken frustrations. I resigned myself to the fact that my kids will not get to know their cousins. This summer we will spend a week at the cottage, with my mom, and although I am sad that we will not be able to share some good times with some of my siblings, I am happy that we will have this exclusive time with her. That's the silver lining - and it actually turns out to be a once in a lifetime opportunity to be alone with her. My kids will know and remember their grandmother.

I never could have guessed that it would come to this with my siblings. I am the baby of the family, and they have been a huge and very important part of my upbringing. I have identified to each of them at one point or another. I'm not sure if it's only me who feels this way, but the physical distance between us is nothing compared to the loss of these ties. I do feel that they are weak in some cases, and broken in other cases. Not sure how it happened over the years.

As much as I was enthusiastic about spending a little over 2 weeks in Quebec when we planned our summer vacation, I find myself wondering what I was thinking and the approaching date of departure is making me very nervous. I need to focus on the basics and not overthink it... We will spend some quality time with my mom, and anything else will be a beautiful surprise (I hope...).