I have no problem whatsoever talking about my fall from the 9 to 5 office life, although I know that some people are not comfortable with the subject. I think it's a matter of understanding what a burnout is, like demystifying a dark secret. I also think that many people go through it while trying to ignore that something is wrong, and that's a shame... because such a state of psychological distress is actually a wonderful defence mechanism. The longer you ignore it however, the more damage you allow onto yourself, and the longer the recovery will be.
Basically, if you find yourself in an overly stressful environment on a regular basis, your body will eventually say 'enough is enough', and give you signs that you should think about pulling out of that unhealthy environment. At first the sings will be subtle, but they will surely increase in intensity if nothing is done. Difficulty sleeping, short tempered and overly emotional, loss of cognition to some degree, difficulty focusing, sentiment that the work load is overwhelming even if you know your job inside and out, feeling defensive and feeling the need to constantly prove yourself or cover your butt (ie keeping way too many email trails...), and feeling generally tired physically, emotionally and intellectually. Drrrrrring!!!!!! Your wonderful body is telling you that this is very unhealthy, and it is doing what is needed so that you are no longer able to function in that environment. It will force you to pull out. Period. So when you look at it this way, a burnout is actually a very healthy reaction... in the sense that your body is working just fine - in your own best interest!
Once you are out of the circuit and forced to stay home... to look after yourself for a change... it feels strangely wrong. Guilty of letting your work team down, and your employer, and your family... Feeling that you should be able to pull it off since millions of people do it every day seemingly without a glitch... pfff! What's wrong with you?
So for me it happened over a period of about two years overall, and I finally hit my red zone on December 2, 2006. On that day just before lunch, I told my boss that I had to go see my doctor. At that point I knew that I would not be back at the office for awhile. My Doctor had spelled it out very clearly a couple of weeks before that, advising me to stop working for awhile, but no... I could not let them down! So much for that. After seeing my doctor on that day I got home and announced to Tim that I would be home for awhile - doctor's orders (we have the same physician). He was very puzzled, scared, suddenly unsure about our financial future, just like me. I was off work for about 4 months, with regular and unpleasant follow-ups from the insurance company (they do treat every claimant like a system abuser...),and finally the insurance company psychiatrist gave me a return date, and told me to take a Valium and that everything would be just fine. Hmmm... (I did not take the Valium).
I did go back to work a couple of weeks later as instructed, arrived at 8:30am, fairly calm but feeling like everybody had labeled me as 'the little engine that couldn't'. Making my way to my office and saying hello to the few colleagues who were there that morning. Somebody was settled in my office and it startled me a little... I had no place to go... so I decided to see my contact in Human Resources... who was not there yet... and then I started to shake. My hands were shaking uncontrollably. I have never experienced this before, or since. So I decided to get out of there pronto and go for a walk in the food court until 9am. I ran into a good work friend, and just broke down in tears. I could not control this physical reaction and I was completely puzzled by it. My friend said "Julie, go home". And I did.
Later that week my doctor told me that this was a post-traumatic reaction. I thought it was a bit over the top... it's not like I saw somebody getting dismembered or anything like that.. but it turns out that I did endure a lot of pressure and underestimated my situation. And when I went to the office on that day my body did recognise the place soon enough, and clicked into red alert mode. There was nothing I could do about it - but leave at once.
I explained the situation to the Human Resources coordinator, and shortly after the insurance company informed me that they considered that I did not go to work that day, and therefore they were ending my coverage. Lovely. I called my lawyer, and the following day the company accepted to give me a fair severance package - although they insisted that they would love for me to come back to work. After all, I was an important part of the company... launching it in 2 languages across the country with a very small team, and after 10 years of hard work it had become a multi million success story. But Teletoon would go on without me, and me without it. I had developed an acute allergy to the place... And I decided to never work in television again, ending an 18 year career in television programming.
I made many much needed changes in my life, like learning to chill... and was lucky to make a fairly smooth transition towards self-employment. I used the severance money to finance my studies at the Royal Conservatory of Music, and pitched my business idea to the Toronto Business Development Centre. I was accepted, and was very fortunate to launch Le Petit Atelier under their wonderful guidance - a one year business training.
Change always comes with a certain dose of pain, and in this case it was worth it. My burnout was a mid-life blessing. It kicked my butt towards a much better life and I am grateful for the humbling lesson. Time is precious, and I have a much better grasp on what I do with it now. I look ahead with a sense of freedom.
So dear blog readers... if you happen to know someone who seems to be unusually short tempered, stressed, or tired, take a moment to think about this before you classify him or her as a lost case and turn your back. Be kind and if at all possible, reach out. It's the decent thing to do.
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