Oh how life has ways to twist and turn when you least expect it... I admit that I have been in a period of re-assessment regarding my next trip to Yucatan in the spring of 2012. Our financial situation requires some love and care, and we also need to invest in some home repairs. Our dishwasher is out of order, and so is our dryer. I can do without, especially the dishwasher, but we will need a new dryer in the fall. So with that in perspective I was keeping an open mind on the possibility that I might not be able to go to Mexico next year after all. But this week out of the blue, a friend offered to fly me to Cancun for about $60! She works for an airline and, well... she can do that! A new and interesting twist in the assessment - indeed! Pretty amazing how the stars line-up sometimes.
I am also trying to get my good old business fizz back. As much as I used to be in high efficiency mode for most of my adult life, I find that my pace is now sluggish and I have to kick myself to accomplish a productive day. It's been this way since we came back... surprise surprise. I think that it's probably because I'm not teaching very much this year, and my days are very loosy goosy. I did manage to book myself solid for the next school year though, so I guess that I should enjoy the slack while I have some. I also have work for my two wonderful early childhood teachers, and I am waiting to hear from a very qualified applicant for a new position in the fall. I decided to hire only one, and not bite more than I can chew. This is one business advice that I remember from my father - 'let it breathe' he would say. It translates into keeping a healthy cashflow, and a slow but steady growth. The coming school year will be very good for both - picking-up the pace!
Until then however, we are in a bit of a financial bind and I find it extremely frustrating. Despite my planning and forecasting, I have to dig into the reserves (Tim just realised that he has run out of money for the time being - it's a seasonal thing). Crud. This comes up after we have planned our vacation... booked and paid transportation and accommodations and summer camp. He is not pleased about it of course. Of course we will manage... of course. It's another great opportunity to be resourceful! We will make it work, and it will be good. Hey, it's summer!
Somewhere between Izamal and Sudzal, Yucatan.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
Family
It's not a new concept that keeping a healthy relationship with siblings can be challenging over the years, especially a long distance relationship. I have left my home town when I was 23, lived in Montreal where I studied for a year, and settled in Toronto when I was 24. So it's been 23 years since I moved here.
Over the years there has been phases which I suspect are the normal course of a long distance relationship - like going back home as often as possible for the first couple of years, then expecting that everyone will eventually be visiting me in Toronto - which may not happen with a family of 7... two of my brothers have never been to my house, although they do come to Toronto for business from time to time. That was difficult to accept, and impossible to understand. Generally I was very positive though, keeping contact and enjoying every minute when I could spend time with my siblings. We can have a lot of fun together.
Things started to change when I had my own children. Because my siblings all had their kids quite a few years earlier, there was a big gap in age. Visiting with young children became difficult because it seemed like nobody remembered what it's like to have a baby and a 3 year old sleeping upstairs... and I ended-up spending many evenings in the bedroom, trying to put my kids back to sleep. And at a certain point I decided to spend Christmas at home, and to skip the cottage stay in the summer. At least until my kids would be a bit older, so that they could partake in the family gatherings and remember them.
Then about 3 years later we started to go to the cottage again. We still stay home for Christmas though, partly because it's not the best time to drive to Quebec City (snow...), it ends up being a very expensive trip, and partly because it's not the best time to visit since we spend a lot of time indoors, and it's not the most relaxing time of the year...
So with fewer visits, the catch is that each visit is charged with all sorts of emotional expectations and anticipation. I must say that in light of the past few years, it has become very difficult for me to enjoy my visits. I try to juggle with time and make sure that we can see everyone, but of course not everyone understand the intensity of it for me. There is also a bit a of language barrier and Tim is great at adapting to these French immersions. His French is pretty good, but of course it's demanding to process so much communication and I feel his need to withdraw for a mental rest sometimes.
At this point I would hope that my kids get to know their cousins, uncles and aunts, but it's not possible to do that with a couple of shared meals once a year. There was also some tension with the cottage in the past couple of years, not a new concept either... and so now even our once a year visit is tainted with some degree of misunderstanding and unspoken frustrations. I resigned myself to the fact that my kids will not get to know their cousins. This summer we will spend a week at the cottage, with my mom, and although I am sad that we will not be able to share some good times with some of my siblings, I am happy that we will have this exclusive time with her. That's the silver lining - and it actually turns out to be a once in a lifetime opportunity to be alone with her. My kids will know and remember their grandmother.
I never could have guessed that it would come to this with my siblings. I am the baby of the family, and they have been a huge and very important part of my upbringing. I have identified to each of them at one point or another. I'm not sure if it's only me who feels this way, but the physical distance between us is nothing compared to the loss of these ties. I do feel that they are weak in some cases, and broken in other cases. Not sure how it happened over the years.
As much as I was enthusiastic about spending a little over 2 weeks in Quebec when we planned our summer vacation, I find myself wondering what I was thinking and the approaching date of departure is making me very nervous. I need to focus on the basics and not overthink it... We will spend some quality time with my mom, and anything else will be a beautiful surprise (I hope...).
Over the years there has been phases which I suspect are the normal course of a long distance relationship - like going back home as often as possible for the first couple of years, then expecting that everyone will eventually be visiting me in Toronto - which may not happen with a family of 7... two of my brothers have never been to my house, although they do come to Toronto for business from time to time. That was difficult to accept, and impossible to understand. Generally I was very positive though, keeping contact and enjoying every minute when I could spend time with my siblings. We can have a lot of fun together.
Things started to change when I had my own children. Because my siblings all had their kids quite a few years earlier, there was a big gap in age. Visiting with young children became difficult because it seemed like nobody remembered what it's like to have a baby and a 3 year old sleeping upstairs... and I ended-up spending many evenings in the bedroom, trying to put my kids back to sleep. And at a certain point I decided to spend Christmas at home, and to skip the cottage stay in the summer. At least until my kids would be a bit older, so that they could partake in the family gatherings and remember them.
Then about 3 years later we started to go to the cottage again. We still stay home for Christmas though, partly because it's not the best time to drive to Quebec City (snow...), it ends up being a very expensive trip, and partly because it's not the best time to visit since we spend a lot of time indoors, and it's not the most relaxing time of the year...
So with fewer visits, the catch is that each visit is charged with all sorts of emotional expectations and anticipation. I must say that in light of the past few years, it has become very difficult for me to enjoy my visits. I try to juggle with time and make sure that we can see everyone, but of course not everyone understand the intensity of it for me. There is also a bit a of language barrier and Tim is great at adapting to these French immersions. His French is pretty good, but of course it's demanding to process so much communication and I feel his need to withdraw for a mental rest sometimes.
At this point I would hope that my kids get to know their cousins, uncles and aunts, but it's not possible to do that with a couple of shared meals once a year. There was also some tension with the cottage in the past couple of years, not a new concept either... and so now even our once a year visit is tainted with some degree of misunderstanding and unspoken frustrations. I resigned myself to the fact that my kids will not get to know their cousins. This summer we will spend a week at the cottage, with my mom, and although I am sad that we will not be able to share some good times with some of my siblings, I am happy that we will have this exclusive time with her. That's the silver lining - and it actually turns out to be a once in a lifetime opportunity to be alone with her. My kids will know and remember their grandmother.
I never could have guessed that it would come to this with my siblings. I am the baby of the family, and they have been a huge and very important part of my upbringing. I have identified to each of them at one point or another. I'm not sure if it's only me who feels this way, but the physical distance between us is nothing compared to the loss of these ties. I do feel that they are weak in some cases, and broken in other cases. Not sure how it happened over the years.
As much as I was enthusiastic about spending a little over 2 weeks in Quebec when we planned our summer vacation, I find myself wondering what I was thinking and the approaching date of departure is making me very nervous. I need to focus on the basics and not overthink it... We will spend some quality time with my mom, and anything else will be a beautiful surprise (I hope...).
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Summer!!!
Only a couple of weeks left until the end of school, and we have our plans all lined-up until the first week of september. Looking forward to going to our Riley Lake heaven, and being immersed in the sweet smell of pine needles. I will hang the new hammocks, and read. I will also work, I love to work there. We will go for a few days in July, and a couple of weeks in August. Sweet!
Also looking forward to spending some time in Quebec city, and at our Quebec family cottage near Trois-Pistoles, in the lower St-Laurence region. Being there is always deeply soothing. I guess it's because my ancestors settled in that area when it was still Nouvelle France, in 1665. The cottage is in the village of St-Mathieu de Rioux, and my mother's parents grew-up there and got married in the lovely old church in the village. I have fond memories of visiting relatives there, some were dairy farmers and I loved spending time in the stable... the smell of warm milk, and of the hay filled grange. But these small farms are all gone now. Although my kids will not be able to experience this close encounter with farm life, they do know the village and their ties to it. It's a beautiful place.
While at the St-Mathieu cottage I hope we can go for a few treks, like the Bic National park - and watch the seals swim around or roast under the sun. There's nothing like the salty breeze of the lower St-Lawrence, you can almost feel the cool Atlantic in the air. Or maybe we'll go horse back riding in St-Fabien, or walk up to the falls along on the Trois-Pistoles river... so many stunning places! Can't wait! The trip there and back is equally exciting, along the old road going through towns and villages, with some ritual stops like Fromagerie des Basques, and Les Trois Fumoirs for amazing smoked fish. Yum!
We will also spend some time at home of course, and I have a feeling that it will be busy. No worries, that's business as usual! Call it home management, or domestic engineering, or tender care and attention... it's all about juggling with food, laundry, and paying the bills. Days go by, weeks go by, and next thing you know summer is here!
Also looking forward to spending some time in Quebec city, and at our Quebec family cottage near Trois-Pistoles, in the lower St-Laurence region. Being there is always deeply soothing. I guess it's because my ancestors settled in that area when it was still Nouvelle France, in 1665. The cottage is in the village of St-Mathieu de Rioux, and my mother's parents grew-up there and got married in the lovely old church in the village. I have fond memories of visiting relatives there, some were dairy farmers and I loved spending time in the stable... the smell of warm milk, and of the hay filled grange. But these small farms are all gone now. Although my kids will not be able to experience this close encounter with farm life, they do know the village and their ties to it. It's a beautiful place.
While at the St-Mathieu cottage I hope we can go for a few treks, like the Bic National park - and watch the seals swim around or roast under the sun. There's nothing like the salty breeze of the lower St-Lawrence, you can almost feel the cool Atlantic in the air. Or maybe we'll go horse back riding in St-Fabien, or walk up to the falls along on the Trois-Pistoles river... so many stunning places! Can't wait! The trip there and back is equally exciting, along the old road going through towns and villages, with some ritual stops like Fromagerie des Basques, and Les Trois Fumoirs for amazing smoked fish. Yum!
We will also spend some time at home of course, and I have a feeling that it will be busy. No worries, that's business as usual! Call it home management, or domestic engineering, or tender care and attention... it's all about juggling with food, laundry, and paying the bills. Days go by, weeks go by, and next thing you know summer is here!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
The Anatomy of a Burnout
I have no problem whatsoever talking about my fall from the 9 to 5 office life, although I know that some people are not comfortable with the subject. I think it's a matter of understanding what a burnout is, like demystifying a dark secret. I also think that many people go through it while trying to ignore that something is wrong, and that's a shame... because such a state of psychological distress is actually a wonderful defence mechanism. The longer you ignore it however, the more damage you allow onto yourself, and the longer the recovery will be.
Basically, if you find yourself in an overly stressful environment on a regular basis, your body will eventually say 'enough is enough', and give you signs that you should think about pulling out of that unhealthy environment. At first the sings will be subtle, but they will surely increase in intensity if nothing is done. Difficulty sleeping, short tempered and overly emotional, loss of cognition to some degree, difficulty focusing, sentiment that the work load is overwhelming even if you know your job inside and out, feeling defensive and feeling the need to constantly prove yourself or cover your butt (ie keeping way too many email trails...), and feeling generally tired physically, emotionally and intellectually. Drrrrrring!!!!!! Your wonderful body is telling you that this is very unhealthy, and it is doing what is needed so that you are no longer able to function in that environment. It will force you to pull out. Period. So when you look at it this way, a burnout is actually a very healthy reaction... in the sense that your body is working just fine - in your own best interest!
Once you are out of the circuit and forced to stay home... to look after yourself for a change... it feels strangely wrong. Guilty of letting your work team down, and your employer, and your family... Feeling that you should be able to pull it off since millions of people do it every day seemingly without a glitch... pfff! What's wrong with you?
So for me it happened over a period of about two years overall, and I finally hit my red zone on December 2, 2006. On that day just before lunch, I told my boss that I had to go see my doctor. At that point I knew that I would not be back at the office for awhile. My Doctor had spelled it out very clearly a couple of weeks before that, advising me to stop working for awhile, but no... I could not let them down! So much for that. After seeing my doctor on that day I got home and announced to Tim that I would be home for awhile - doctor's orders (we have the same physician). He was very puzzled, scared, suddenly unsure about our financial future, just like me. I was off work for about 4 months, with regular and unpleasant follow-ups from the insurance company (they do treat every claimant like a system abuser...),and finally the insurance company psychiatrist gave me a return date, and told me to take a Valium and that everything would be just fine. Hmmm... (I did not take the Valium).
I did go back to work a couple of weeks later as instructed, arrived at 8:30am, fairly calm but feeling like everybody had labeled me as 'the little engine that couldn't'. Making my way to my office and saying hello to the few colleagues who were there that morning. Somebody was settled in my office and it startled me a little... I had no place to go... so I decided to see my contact in Human Resources... who was not there yet... and then I started to shake. My hands were shaking uncontrollably. I have never experienced this before, or since. So I decided to get out of there pronto and go for a walk in the food court until 9am. I ran into a good work friend, and just broke down in tears. I could not control this physical reaction and I was completely puzzled by it. My friend said "Julie, go home". And I did.
Later that week my doctor told me that this was a post-traumatic reaction. I thought it was a bit over the top... it's not like I saw somebody getting dismembered or anything like that.. but it turns out that I did endure a lot of pressure and underestimated my situation. And when I went to the office on that day my body did recognise the place soon enough, and clicked into red alert mode. There was nothing I could do about it - but leave at once.
I explained the situation to the Human Resources coordinator, and shortly after the insurance company informed me that they considered that I did not go to work that day, and therefore they were ending my coverage. Lovely. I called my lawyer, and the following day the company accepted to give me a fair severance package - although they insisted that they would love for me to come back to work. After all, I was an important part of the company... launching it in 2 languages across the country with a very small team, and after 10 years of hard work it had become a multi million success story. But Teletoon would go on without me, and me without it. I had developed an acute allergy to the place... And I decided to never work in television again, ending an 18 year career in television programming.
I made many much needed changes in my life, like learning to chill... and was lucky to make a fairly smooth transition towards self-employment. I used the severance money to finance my studies at the Royal Conservatory of Music, and pitched my business idea to the Toronto Business Development Centre. I was accepted, and was very fortunate to launch Le Petit Atelier under their wonderful guidance - a one year business training.
Change always comes with a certain dose of pain, and in this case it was worth it. My burnout was a mid-life blessing. It kicked my butt towards a much better life and I am grateful for the humbling lesson. Time is precious, and I have a much better grasp on what I do with it now. I look ahead with a sense of freedom.
So dear blog readers... if you happen to know someone who seems to be unusually short tempered, stressed, or tired, take a moment to think about this before you classify him or her as a lost case and turn your back. Be kind and if at all possible, reach out. It's the decent thing to do.
Basically, if you find yourself in an overly stressful environment on a regular basis, your body will eventually say 'enough is enough', and give you signs that you should think about pulling out of that unhealthy environment. At first the sings will be subtle, but they will surely increase in intensity if nothing is done. Difficulty sleeping, short tempered and overly emotional, loss of cognition to some degree, difficulty focusing, sentiment that the work load is overwhelming even if you know your job inside and out, feeling defensive and feeling the need to constantly prove yourself or cover your butt (ie keeping way too many email trails...), and feeling generally tired physically, emotionally and intellectually. Drrrrrring!!!!!! Your wonderful body is telling you that this is very unhealthy, and it is doing what is needed so that you are no longer able to function in that environment. It will force you to pull out. Period. So when you look at it this way, a burnout is actually a very healthy reaction... in the sense that your body is working just fine - in your own best interest!
Once you are out of the circuit and forced to stay home... to look after yourself for a change... it feels strangely wrong. Guilty of letting your work team down, and your employer, and your family... Feeling that you should be able to pull it off since millions of people do it every day seemingly without a glitch... pfff! What's wrong with you?
So for me it happened over a period of about two years overall, and I finally hit my red zone on December 2, 2006. On that day just before lunch, I told my boss that I had to go see my doctor. At that point I knew that I would not be back at the office for awhile. My Doctor had spelled it out very clearly a couple of weeks before that, advising me to stop working for awhile, but no... I could not let them down! So much for that. After seeing my doctor on that day I got home and announced to Tim that I would be home for awhile - doctor's orders (we have the same physician). He was very puzzled, scared, suddenly unsure about our financial future, just like me. I was off work for about 4 months, with regular and unpleasant follow-ups from the insurance company (they do treat every claimant like a system abuser...),and finally the insurance company psychiatrist gave me a return date, and told me to take a Valium and that everything would be just fine. Hmmm... (I did not take the Valium).
I did go back to work a couple of weeks later as instructed, arrived at 8:30am, fairly calm but feeling like everybody had labeled me as 'the little engine that couldn't'. Making my way to my office and saying hello to the few colleagues who were there that morning. Somebody was settled in my office and it startled me a little... I had no place to go... so I decided to see my contact in Human Resources... who was not there yet... and then I started to shake. My hands were shaking uncontrollably. I have never experienced this before, or since. So I decided to get out of there pronto and go for a walk in the food court until 9am. I ran into a good work friend, and just broke down in tears. I could not control this physical reaction and I was completely puzzled by it. My friend said "Julie, go home". And I did.
Later that week my doctor told me that this was a post-traumatic reaction. I thought it was a bit over the top... it's not like I saw somebody getting dismembered or anything like that.. but it turns out that I did endure a lot of pressure and underestimated my situation. And when I went to the office on that day my body did recognise the place soon enough, and clicked into red alert mode. There was nothing I could do about it - but leave at once.
I explained the situation to the Human Resources coordinator, and shortly after the insurance company informed me that they considered that I did not go to work that day, and therefore they were ending my coverage. Lovely. I called my lawyer, and the following day the company accepted to give me a fair severance package - although they insisted that they would love for me to come back to work. After all, I was an important part of the company... launching it in 2 languages across the country with a very small team, and after 10 years of hard work it had become a multi million success story. But Teletoon would go on without me, and me without it. I had developed an acute allergy to the place... And I decided to never work in television again, ending an 18 year career in television programming.
I made many much needed changes in my life, like learning to chill... and was lucky to make a fairly smooth transition towards self-employment. I used the severance money to finance my studies at the Royal Conservatory of Music, and pitched my business idea to the Toronto Business Development Centre. I was accepted, and was very fortunate to launch Le Petit Atelier under their wonderful guidance - a one year business training.
Change always comes with a certain dose of pain, and in this case it was worth it. My burnout was a mid-life blessing. It kicked my butt towards a much better life and I am grateful for the humbling lesson. Time is precious, and I have a much better grasp on what I do with it now. I look ahead with a sense of freedom.
So dear blog readers... if you happen to know someone who seems to be unusually short tempered, stressed, or tired, take a moment to think about this before you classify him or her as a lost case and turn your back. Be kind and if at all possible, reach out. It's the decent thing to do.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Re-defining Reasonable
My personal questioning and reflection these days : is it reasonable to plan for a 16 day trip on my own in the spring of 2012?
Well at this point in my life... I think it is. If I rewind and think of myself only four or five years ago, I would have considered this idea completely unrealistic. Feeling the obligation to work and rake in as much income as possible for our little family, and obviously since I was part of the corporate swirl back then, I also had to use my yearly vacation allowance wisely (I think it was 4 weeks... goodness gracious!). But that was another era, and my life is very different now - thank God.
When I left the corporate world four years ago, following a burn out, I decided to take control over one precious dimention we tend to overlook in the first half of our life : Time. I took a very clear decision to change the pace of my work life, and protect the time I have with my children while they are still children. It applied to my day to day attitude towards time and I vowed to not rush anymore. Since then I never run to catch the bus or the streetcar because there is always another one not too far behind. I never hurry in the grocery store as I used to do after a day at the office. I take the time to prepare good home made meals. I go out with friends more often and when I do, I take an hour to prepare if I feel like it. I hang the laundry on the clothes line and feel so wonderfully 'normal' not using a machine in the name of time management. And of course, the decision to leave with the family for a 3 month adventure was absolutely part of this new approach - because our time together is very precious.
At this point in my life, that's what 'reasonable' looks like. And I like it a lot!
Well at this point in my life... I think it is. If I rewind and think of myself only four or five years ago, I would have considered this idea completely unrealistic. Feeling the obligation to work and rake in as much income as possible for our little family, and obviously since I was part of the corporate swirl back then, I also had to use my yearly vacation allowance wisely (I think it was 4 weeks... goodness gracious!). But that was another era, and my life is very different now - thank God.
When I left the corporate world four years ago, following a burn out, I decided to take control over one precious dimention we tend to overlook in the first half of our life : Time. I took a very clear decision to change the pace of my work life, and protect the time I have with my children while they are still children. It applied to my day to day attitude towards time and I vowed to not rush anymore. Since then I never run to catch the bus or the streetcar because there is always another one not too far behind. I never hurry in the grocery store as I used to do after a day at the office. I take the time to prepare good home made meals. I go out with friends more often and when I do, I take an hour to prepare if I feel like it. I hang the laundry on the clothes line and feel so wonderfully 'normal' not using a machine in the name of time management. And of course, the decision to leave with the family for a 3 month adventure was absolutely part of this new approach - because our time together is very precious.
At this point in my life, that's what 'reasonable' looks like. And I like it a lot!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
June
June. I still haven't planted anything, and I didn't even make an attempt to prepare the soil. It might not be the summer for my vegetable garden after all. I look at our summer calendar, and it's just as well... I will not be home very much. So much for good intentions! The same goes for all my ideas of painting and making the house pretty - Martha and Debby should not hold their breath... not much happened on that front. I still have boxes kicking around from our return from Mexico. Not sure where it could all go, we're short on storage space and it really seems like we own too much stuff, still. Even after the mega purge of last fall. Am I slowly becoming an adept of voluntary simplicity? Ha - That'll be the day! I can't even plan a SIMPLE vacation for crying out loud!
I don't feel so healthy these days. I know I should work out... blah. I do go for long walks whenever I can - I love that, but it's not enough. I feel sluggish and lazy. I must find the motivation to get my rear end to the YMCA... Maybe pulling out my summer clothes will do it!
On the business front I'm pretty much booked until early April 2012. Nice! I have some new and interesting teacher training sessions lined-up, looking forward to it. I will be busy in schools, and I am also adding a live music component of my daycare program. I have obtained my permits (school boards) for after-school programs for the coming school year already. Not too bad for a sluggish phase! I need to keep-up the good work and solidify the plans. I will be hiring a new teacher, and I'm pretty sure that I have found the right person. Time to set-up a meeting, and make my offer. We shall see.
Something is brewing on the travel plans... end of April 2012... but I'm not sure that I'm being realistic (or reasonable!). I trust that it will all become clear before the new year. No rush.
I don't feel so healthy these days. I know I should work out... blah. I do go for long walks whenever I can - I love that, but it's not enough. I feel sluggish and lazy. I must find the motivation to get my rear end to the YMCA... Maybe pulling out my summer clothes will do it!
On the business front I'm pretty much booked until early April 2012. Nice! I have some new and interesting teacher training sessions lined-up, looking forward to it. I will be busy in schools, and I am also adding a live music component of my daycare program. I have obtained my permits (school boards) for after-school programs for the coming school year already. Not too bad for a sluggish phase! I need to keep-up the good work and solidify the plans. I will be hiring a new teacher, and I'm pretty sure that I have found the right person. Time to set-up a meeting, and make my offer. We shall see.
Something is brewing on the travel plans... end of April 2012... but I'm not sure that I'm being realistic (or reasonable!). I trust that it will all become clear before the new year. No rush.
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